A Day of Grey

Survey

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 03:59:04 GMT

[] I'm afraid of silence.

[] I talk a lot when I get really nervous.

[] I am really ticklish.

[] I'm afraid of the dark.

[x] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.

[x] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open.

[] I am homosexual.

[x] I believe in true love.

[X] I've run away from home.

[x] I listen to political music.

[x] I collect stuff.

[x] I sometimes shut others out when I'm sad.

[x] I've stayed out all night.

[] I open up to others easily.

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.

[x] I watch the news. (Sometimes, but it depresses me, so not always.)

[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.

[X] I love Disney movies.

[] I am a sucker for green eyes.

[] I am a sucker for brown eyes.

[X] I am a sucker for blue eyes.

[x] I don't kill bugs (just widows/mosquitos).

[x] I curse. (Constantly!)

[] I have "x"s in my screen name.

[x] I've slipped and fallen in public.

[] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[] I love Spam.

[x] I bake well.

[] I have worn pajamas to class.

[] I have owned something from Abercrombie.

[x] I want a better job.

[X] Talked on a phone for 6+ hours.

[] I love Dr. Phil. (NO!!)

[x] I like someone.

[x] I like multiple people.

[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS ... at least once.

[x] I am self-conscious.

[x] I love to laugh.

[x] I have tried alcohol.

[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.

[x] I have tried a cigarette.

[] I have smoked a pack in one day.

[] I loved Lord of the Flies.

[] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[] I can't swallow pills.

[x] I have a lot of scars. (kitten scars!)

[] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

[x] I love white chocolate.

[] I bite my nails.

[x] I am not comfortable with being me. (Not right now.)

[x] I play computer games when I'm bored.

[x] Gotten lost in the city.

[x] Thought of suicide before.

[x] Seen a shooting star.

[x] Gone out in public in my pajamas.

[x] Have kissed a stranger.

[x] Have kissed someone really strange.

[x] Hugged a stranger. (Many times at the vet.)

[] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of a different sex.

[X] Been in a fist fight.

[] Been arrested.

[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose.

[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[] Made out in an elevator.

[x] Swore at Liberace. (I've sworn at Nick, does that count.)

[] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.

[] Been skydiving.

[] Been bungee jumping.

[X] Gotten stitches.

[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[x] Bitten someone.

[] Been to Niagara Falls.

[X] Gotten the chicken pox. (Gawd, did I ever!)

[x] Crashed into a deer. (passenger)

[] Been to Japan.

[x] Ridden in a taxi.

[] Shoplifted.

[x] Been fired.

[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

[] Stole something from your job.

[] Gone on a blind date.

[x] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[] Been to Europe.

[x] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.

[X] Been married.

[] Gotten divorced.

[x] Saw someone/something dying.

[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day.

[] Been to Canada.

[x] Been on a plane.

[] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[] Thrown up in a bar.

[x] Eaten sushi.

[X] Been snowboarding.

[x] Been ice skating.

[x] Cried in public.

[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed. (WHAT?)

[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.

[x] Thought of someone almost 24/7.

[x] Hate the world. (Often lately.)

[x] Love someone.

Horked as usual. ;)

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 15:07:53 GMT

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Took three laps in an Indy car going 180mph

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Life is complex enough w/out them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Sanhedralyte!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Both of Todd's parents and also his mentor since 16, Mr. Jones.

5. What countries did you visit?
None; just states.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Piece of mind for my loved ones' health.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day my mother told me she has cancer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not quitting my job when I was tempted to, being able to help Mama out, rescuing two beautiful kittens.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Gaining weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A whopper of a flu.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A house and new stuff to go in it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Mama, Lisa

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
FEMA, Bush

14. Where did most of your money go?
New house!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New house! New kittens!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Still Breathing

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Stronger, but wary.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Talking to my mother.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being scared.

20. How will you be spending New Years Eve?
Spent it at Mama's house with her and my brother.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yeah, with two kittens.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Nip/Tuck, Deadwood, Good Eats, Supernatural

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, pretty much the same people. LOL

26. What was the best book you read?
I've been reading Star Wars novels, but also Pompeii and a book on the Fastnet disaster (no, not Simon's).

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Really like Jon Mayer and Gwen Stefani's Rich Girl has a sentimental value.

28. What did you want and get?
New house! Granite countertops! Two kittens!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Ep III - Pure Obi-Wan bliss.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday... uh... pfft!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
No funerals, no cancer.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Whatever washes well and fits.

34. What kept you sane?
Lisa, my pets.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Me likey Ewan!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
FEMA's failure, Bush's repetative retardation.

37. Who did you miss?
Jasper

38. Who was the best new person you met?
VeniceBreathing

Who was the worst?
I'll have to think about that one.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
Make sure those you love know that you love them.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Now I know this shattered feeling; trampled but still breathing. I'm just waiting for a good day."

Back from Illinois

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 05:42:57 GMT

Lots to write, but need to SLEEP more first.

Happy New Year to all my LJ peeps. :)

One more day...

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 05:45:57 GMT

Mama goes to the doctor tomorrow to discuss her PET scans. We're both edgy and hoping for the best possible news. Oddly enough, we both keep hearing Ordinary World a lot lately. She loves that song and told me a few years back that it makes her think of me. Watching them perform it on Jay Leno in 93 is a sweet memory we share. That was back when she thought California was just some phase I had to get out of my system. I read the lyrics to Still Breathing for her and she wants to hear the actual song. I got her a walkman that plays MP3s and burned off a shitload of music for her. Also picked up Enya's new one for her and am going to burn off Sarah McLachlan's last couple. Two songs we also share are "Exile" and "Elsewhere". Both are really poignant for us. Also burned off a disc of some of my auditions and some of me just plain old singing. She's going to have to wait until I leave to listen to that one though. My skin crawls when I have to listen to myself. :-P

So anyway... tomorrow. Ugh. I've been a twitching mess all week and tomorrow will be the absolute worst until we hear from her doctor.

This blows massive chunks.

From Mama Cyd:

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 02:43:12 GMT

Three men wanted to cross a great, powerful river. The first man prayed fervently to God for help in the matter:
"Lord, give me strength to cross the river."
God granted him strong arms and stamina, and after nearling drowning once, he managed to cross the river.

The second man, seeing the problems the first man had, took care to pray more efficiently:
"Lord, grant me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
God granted him strong arms and a boat, and after capsizing once, he too managed to cross the river.

The third man thought about the two before him. He decided to leave no stone unturned when he called upon God:
"Lord, grant me the strength, tools and intelligence to cross the river safely."
God instantly turned the man into a woman who, after consulting the map, hiked upriver and crossed the bridge.
*******************************

A man and woman were newly married and about to partake in their first carnal adventure when the woman asked her husband for $20. The man, thinking it a cute way of his wife to earn money for things she wanted, gladly forked over the money.

Thus began a willing habit between the couple that lasted for 40 years until the man came home one evening completely distraught. Having just lost his job of 30 years, he was understandably beside himself. His wife, unconcerned, took him by the hand and guided him to their safe. She procured a bank book and began showing him the countless deposits, each amounting in precisely $20. Over their forty years of marriage, the deposits added up to hundreds of thousands of dollars. She then showed him the interest they'd earned on the money over the years, also adding up to quite a hefty sum. After this, she showed him the stocks and bonds portfolio she'd started forty years ago. To the man's amazement, their entire net worth as a couple now rated in the millions, ensuring their future to be more than merely comfortable. Flabbergasted, the man shook his head and threw his hands up.

"Honey, if I'd known you were this good, I woulda brought you ALL my business!"

This, of course, is when she shot him.

Horked fron Noniyu, answered by Cyd& Grey:

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 05:09:01 GMT

Friday five:
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Cyd: I wanted to be a nurse.
Grey: Singer

Did you follow through? If not, what happened?
Cyd: Uhm, part of it I did, yeah. Was in LPN program, ended up pregnant though and had too much nausea to keep working at the clinic. Also graduated as certified nurse's aide.
Grey: Partially. I do theatre. I'm a better singer than acter though.

Is your life turning out the way you thought it would when you were a kid?If not, is it better or worse?
Cyd: Oh heck no, LOL. But it's uh... it's good though. It's okay.
Grey: Not at all, but I'm okay with that now.

Paradoxes aside, if you could time-travel back to when you were 10 years old, what would you tell your 10-year-old self?
Cyd: Oh, I think... keep the magic and the imagination... don't let people harden your heart. Listen to your mother, LOL. Believe it or not... LOL.
Grey: This too shall pass. You won't always be the outsider looking in.
Cyd: That's a good one.

Do you think the child you were, would like the adult you've become?
Cyd: Part of me, yeah.
Grey: I don't think my 10-year-old self could appreciate what it took to become me now, but I think she'd understand that life is always a work in progress.
Cyd: That's true. Very true. Amen.

***********************

What's on your feet?
Cyd: Nothing. My feet are hanging out from under the covers. You know I hate my feet covered.
Grey: Nothing

Turn to your right -- what do you see?
Cyd: My nightstand.
Grey: Obi-Wan, the ratties & Mulder, a framed sailboat picture

What is the last thing you ate?
Cyd: Fried hot dog with provalone and homemade chili. I like burnt hot dogs.
Grey: Burnt??
Cyd: Well yeah cuz I don't really like hot dogs except on the grill. Boiling takes the taste out of them.
Grey: Spa Cuisine portobello chicken
Cyd: Oooh.
Grey: Yeah, those Lean Cuisines are pretty decent.

What can you smell right now?
Cyd: Hmm... Candle... unscented, but can smell the wick a bit.
Grey: Coconut air freshener, toffee candle
Cyd: Ooh, that sounds good!

Do you wear hats?
Cyd: Occasionally, not very often.
Grey: Not usually, but it's fun to have occasion to wear a great vintage hat, like from the 40's.
Cyd: I always wanted one of those Annie Hall hats.
Grey: Like Diane Keaton?
Cyd: Yep! Uh huh! I usually wear my Mark Martin hat... it has Viagra on it.
Grey: That's funny, thinking of you in a Viagra hat.
Cyd: It's his sponser.

Bless Verizon free long distance weekends.

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 03:59:24 GMT

I talked to Mama last night from around 9pm to just after 3am. I can't remember the last time I carried on a continuous conversation with anyone for more than a couple of hours, much less six, but it was great. There isn't a lot we didn't talk about. I told her about my best friend Lisa's mother being in the hospital. They found a mass on her bowel and she was scheduled for a colonoscopy this morning. I was so touched when Mama said she'd put in a prayer request for Lisa and her mom. Mama's always had such a capacity for keeping others in her thoughts even when her own life was crazy. I've always admired that in her and loved her like mad for it.

I also told her about the twit on another board that lied about having cancer and how much I despised her for it. She said that's a low she'd never heard anyone hitting before and she's right. "A person who'd lie about that would lie about ANYTHING." So true.

She's excited that I'll get to meet her friends. I'm excited too. Mama hasn't had many healthy relationships that have stood up. They're all part of the same church and while I'm not the church-going type, I'm really pleased with how their friendship has bolstered her and made her come back to being the intelligent woman I know she is. It also occurred to me that she no longer has such a thick redneck twang anymore. Her speech has veered back to being that of an educated woman. That thrills me beyond belief. Mama has a lovely speaking voice and can be very eloquent when she chooses to be. It's nice to hear her get away from "ain't" being her every other word. I feel like she's learning to love herself finally, or at least appreciate that she's worth so much more than she ever gave herself credit for.

As I entered adulthood, it was often hard to respect many of the decisions she made. I couldn't understand her choice in men or some of her choices as a parent to my brother. I can't say enough how proud I am of her now though. In just the last two months, she's taken a lot of brave steps. I told her before her surgery to keep being strong and brave, and that so long as she was finally taking steps to take the negative aspects out of her life, I wouldn't let her fall. I couldn't stand behind her decision to stay with her husband for as long as she did. Now that she's finally kicked him out and is refusing to allow him back, I will do whatever I have to for her. I want to make sure that her positive decisions are reinforced as her doing right by herself.

Home is where the heart is, so it IS possible to have more than one.

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 02:53:32 GMT

Mama lives in Illinois and this is the first time I've HATED being so far away from her. I'm not saying I LIKED being away from her, but we've dealt with it really well. It was a rocky start since I moved out here during the Malibu fires and just before Northridge hit. I think Mama aged two extra years the first six months I lived here, but she understands that I need to live here. I'm a palm tree, not a corn stalk. Illinois just didn't have enough to keep me there. She used to mention me "coming home" and I'd correct her. "Mom, California IS my home. I'll come to visit you though."

Tuesday when I spoke to her, at the end of us venting our frustrations with her doctor, I told her "Mama, before you hang up, I need you to do something for me."
"Okay," she agreed without hesitation.
"On the 24th...?"
"Yeah...?"
"I need you to go to the airport."
"Why am I going to the airport," she asked me after an uncertain pause. I know she thinks I'm gonna try to get her on a plane to come out here. She's terrified of flying though.
"Because there's someone I'm gonna need you to pick up."
She hiccupped in my ear. "You're coming home?"
"Yeah, Mama," I answered, the thought of correcting her not even entering my mind, "I am."
She began sobbing on the phone and I had trouble keeping my own composure because she just kept repeating "Oh good! Oh good!"

I know she's been putting on a brave front for me and Josh. I know that her church friends have been a real godsend for her for some time so I thought perhaps she was leaning more on her faith and those friends and that it was giving her a lot of strength. I didn't realise until that moment though, how much she relies on me emotionally. That's okay though, because I didn't realise until she told me that she has cancer just how lost I will be when it's her time to go.

The Oncologist

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 02:07:03 GMT

Today she finally got back in to see her oncologist, hoping for a clearer picture of what she was up against.

He told her precisely squat.

This goes back to what I was saying about doctors forgetting about the human side of medicine. You're in this living purgatory while they go from patient to patient sprinkling bits of info here, bits of info there. Todd warned me that he probably wouldn't tell her much. I didn't really expect him to basically tell her NOTHING.

What pissed me off most about this is that it was last Monday that his nurse dropped the c-word bomb on my mother. Today, after telling her "If I HAD to say what stage we're in right NOW, I'd have to go with Stage II," he told her that he wanted her to have a PT scan done. Now, you canNOT tell me that this doctor hadn't already decided that he wanted more testing done. Even *I* expected him to run more tests, so why didn't he also have his nurse get Mom scheduled for the test when she called?? He could have already been able to tell her if the cancer spread further. As it stands now, her appointment is Dec 9 and he won't see her to discuss the results until Dec 20. Yep, you read that right. The 20th. Another week and a half that Mama has to stew over this. It's ridiculous, even if for some reason they think there's no physical need to hurry. Mentally, emotionally, we need to know what the situation is. We need details to be ready for what lay ahead.

Trust the process MY ASS.

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 03:37:33 GMT

September:
Mom was having trouble - After eating, she would bloat painfully. Her docter thought it might be her gall bladder acting up. He ordered an xray of her abdomen and bowels. Finding nothing conclusive, he ordered a CT scan of her upper abdomen. This is when they found nodes on her liver. They already had a follow up visit schedule for 3 weeks time so rather than biopsy them right away, they agreed to wait and see what 3 weeks and another scan showed. In the interim, her doctor ordered blood tests, but those came out fine. Three weeks later, they reran the CT scan, this time on her upper abdomen and pelvis. The scan revealed that the nodes were significantly larger and that one was actually wrapped around her bowel. This prompted her doctor to order an immediate biopsy of the nodes.

Mom had three abdominal surgeries prior to the biopsy and the resulting scar tissue added to the complexity of her biopsy. Mom's last surgery was to place a web beneath her bladder to elevate it. This webbing also added surgical challenges.

Fast forward to her follow up appointment with her surgeon today. He was unwilling to say much in regards to the questions she asked, telling her they were questions better answered by her oncologist. When she asked if he saw more affected than her liver, he replied that it was difficult to see much of anything because of this prior scarring, adhesions and also the webbing. Mom got the impression he knew more than he let on. Mom's friend, Deb, said she got the same impression.

Small wonder that she's fearing the worst now. She didn't come right out and say it, but she didn't have to. I know her tonalities and I know her. I certainly don't fault her this because I'm sitting here doing the same thing.

When my grandmother told me that she had colon cancer, I tried to stay positive and optimistic, but a voice in my head told me "this is it." For all my encouraging of her, I knew. I pep talked her and myself right out of that notion though and I did really well keeping it at bay until the day she showed up with half a head of hair and horribly gaunt. I will remember that day for as long as I live. I worshipped my grandma. She was a mother to me early in my life and I thought her amazingly beautiful. That day that she walked in looking like that, I was at the sink doing dishes. I remember looking up and feeling like the wind had been knocked completely from me. Her hair, which was waist length, was now barely to her shoulders and only the greyed portions of it remained. I had to look away. I was so ashamed of myself for doing that for so long. She was trying to shrug the loss of her hair off as though it was a welcome change not to be weighed down by it but I know she saw my face. Much of her treatment phase is a blur, but that day refuses to fade. It was the day that little voice in my head stopped being silent. I still put up a good front for her, but I knew I was going to lose her.

That seems like a digression, but there IS a point to it where my mother is concerned. That voice is there again. For the past week I've fought with it. I researched lymphoma. I've talked with people who had positive outcomes in their families. I've listened when Todd reminds me that Mom's young (51) and stands a better chance than his parents because they waited to long to see their doctors. I started to believe. I started to think of things she and I could do once this shit was over. But now this surgeon's manner and seeming dodging has that voice back louder than before and I fucking hate him for it.

I hate this whole system of having a NURSE call to tell you that you have cancer, but you have to wait a week to find out anything more than that. You have a week to stew and fear and worry. Then you see a surgeon for a follow up and rather than being direct about what he encountered, he evades your questions so now, if he truly doesn't know anything, you're still in knots over him putting out misleading signals. Why the fuck can't they WAIT to tell you ALL of it? Why do a drop here, a drop there? Jesus, it's infuriating and frankly, I think it does more harm than good. If Dr Shaw has a moderate prognosis for her, he probably still managed to shave a year off her life in pure worry. If her prognosis is bad, why couldn't he give her one more week of ignorance? This piecemeal information chain is bullshit and I really believe doctors should rethink how they handle this process. Knowing what I'M feeling right now, I ache for what Mama must be feeling by comparison.

Changing the aim of this journal.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 10:12:48 GMT

On November 28, 2005, my mother Cynthia (Cyd), was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's B-Cell lymphoma. In more familiar terms, she has bone marrow cancer. Since this is the fourth member of my family struck with some type of cancer, I decided to turn my personal journal into an account of Mama's diagnosis, treatment, and everything else that goes along with it. Ultimately and ideally, I'm praying that this journal will also be about her SURVIVAL.

Why do this? The answer is simple. This journal is not here to garner pity. It is here to share our experiences in a frank, raw manner; mine, Mama's, and anyone else who'd like to contribute via comments. My hope is that others who are now dealing with, or who've previously dealt with cancer will find something here that somehow helps them.

David 7/16/41 - 4/14/05

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 18:50:50 GMT

Todd's father passed away Thursday. This comes on the heels of losing his mother in December and Mr Jones two weeks before her.

Rule of 3? Maybe. All I know is that this happened much the same way his mother did, but at a greatly accelerated time frame. A month ago, we found out that David had some form of cancer on his hip. Back in December, Todd said he seemed thinner, but he chalked it up to him just having his dentures redone. I guess I noticed it too, but we at Kay's funeral. In that environment, your mind catalogues, but doesn't really acknowlege. A week later, David ended up in the hospital due to dehydration. This actually pushed up his appt to see the oncologist, so we figured it was a good thing overall. About a week later Todd was supposed to fly to Amsterdam. The day he left, we got word that David suffered a minor stroke. He didn't lose his speech, but it was slurred. His motor function was affected, but not terribly. Todd went on to Amsterdam (He was on layover in Atlanta when he got word) after speaking to his father. David wanted him to go on with what he needed to do. They talked every day on the phone since Todd found out he was sick so that also played a part in Todd going on with his trip. That was a Thursday.

The next night, I got a call from Tara (Todd's youngest sister). She was so overwhelmed that I really couldn't get much out of her. I had to calm her enough to get Mary's (Todd's stepmom) cell phone number from her. I knew if I had to call Todd that he would need facts, not emotional outbursts. It turns out that David's brain began swelling at an alarming rate. They moved him to critical care and the fear was that he'd going into cardiac arrest if the swelling didn't stop. The theory was that his cancer was so aggressive that it caused his blood to thicken. They think this might have caused clots, with one possibly going to his brain. I called Todd and told him what I knew. The doctors got the swelling to stop and it became a wait and see scenario. Todd ended up flying on to Germany. His business meetings were there and it would be easier to fly home from there on short notice anyway. Until the doctors knew more, Mary and David told Todd to stick where he was.

Todd left Germany eleven days later as scheduled. He got home Sunday night and flew to Vegas 5am Monday, then drove to Havasu from there. David was now at home in hospice care and no longer conscious by that point. It upset Todd so much that he couldn't stay. After watching his mother go the same way, he knew what he was seeing and it was simply too much for him. David passed away three days later.

I knew the service would be harder this time. I just didn't realise how much. Todd now has cancer on both sides of his family tree. His grandmother also died of cancer. His mother was 62 and his father was 64. David just retired and they only moved to Havasu a few months back. Through the whole service, I couldn't help but see myself in Mary's position. A few months ago, 20 years seemed like a long time, but yesterday it seemed way too short in my eyes. I don't want to lose Todd that way. I don't want to see him eaten away by this disease. I know I'm being silly in a sense. We all go when it's our time. As much as he travels, I could lose him tomorrow. I know that. But that's an uncertain possibility. This is far more likely and it puts a whole different spin on what I see our future holding. At some point I have to come to terms with that, but I'm certainly not there yet. I'm trying not to fixate upon it, but right now, it's nearly every other thought that goes through my brain.

Some things about David:
He was the third man in the history of the blacksmiths' union to pass his journeyman test the first try. It's common practice to fail applicants the first time around. Race horses have so much money behind them that if you're going to drive a nail into their hoof, you damn well better know what you're doing. So they told him he failed and he told them, "The hell I did. Let's go take a look." Turns out they gave him a lame horse. They underestimated his experience and skill though. Not only did he shoe the horse, he managed to correct the problem enough to have the horse walking easier.

He rode broncos. I don't know exactly how long, but when we walked in, there were some pictures of David riding that were absolutely brilliant. He also trained for a while, but shoeing was ultimately where he returned and thrived. He was one of the very best and there are many names he could easily drop, but never really did.

He had his tools handmade rather than buying them from manufacturers. Todd brought home one of his horseshoes and also one of his hammers. I've never looked at a hammer before that had so much character. It was much like his hat. It sat in my lap on the way back to Mary's and even though he didn't wear it all the time, it still held so much of him. Although I don't know the reasons, I know now that it's bad luck to place a cowboy hat on the bed. I don't even know if Todd knows why, but I intend to ask him tonight.

He gave the best hugs. Those hugs had a way of making me feel like a little girl again. They made you feel safe; like the world was under control. He also had a wicked mischeivous grin. One 4th of July, we went to their house in Elsinore. The sliding doors were open most of the day and around dusk, I got up to walk inside. I didn't even see the screen door until I'd taken it out. I mean, I took this poor door clear off the track. Standing there feeling like an ass and holding my stinging nose, Todd laughed like an idiot over it. David was laughing too, but he sternly told Todd, "Now don't you laugh at her!" That was his way; easy and warm. I see that in Todd a lot at times.

Rising Sign

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 10:26:55 GMT

Your Rising Sign is Capricorn

Old fashioned and conservative, you carry yourself with dignity.
You have a tough exterior, and you can be intimidating when you want to be.
Hard working and ambitious, you can survive in the most cut throat work enviroments.
Outside of work, you are a true friend to everyone in your small inner circle.
You may have had a difficult time earlier in life.
Capricorns are late bloomers and you may be coming into your own right now.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 21:56:04 GMT

From Inside The Actors' Studio:

1. What is your favourite word?
I still love "diaphanous".

2. What is your least favourite word?
Not a word but a phrase: "Ain't got none"
Someone here says that all the time and she's supposed to be a professional, educated woman. Drives me nuts.

3. What turns you on?
Intelligence, eloquence and Simon kissing John

4. What turns you off?
Presumption, double-standards, condescension/patronization

5. What sound or noise do you love?
The ocean, gentle rain, my friends' and husband's laughter, the sound of my ratties trampling up their cage to greet me.

6. What sound or noise do you hate?
Sobbing, mariachi at 8am, obnoxious sneezing

8. What is your favourite curse word?
mutherfucker,fuck

9. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Full time singer

10. What job would you absolutely not like to attempt?
Doctor, mortician

11. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you get to the pearly gates?
"Your grandparents are just inside with your family all your pets."

Personality colour

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 07:22:51 GMT

You scored as Bronze. Those with a bronze aura tend to be humanitarians and philanthropic. They are soft-hearted, generous and concerned with their fellow man. Negative aspects are that they may be very naive and easily imposed upon.

</td>

Bronze

100%

Orange

92%

Pink

83%

Violet

75%

Silver

67%

White

67%

Green

58%

Yellow

58%

Blue

58%

Indigo

58%

Gold

50%

Red

42%

What is your aura color?
created with QuizFarm.com

Having to make a change in my life.

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 06:02:23 GMT

I'll write more tomorrow, but things have reached a point where I had to make a decision and stick to it. I love this person too much to let go of them or have anything come between us again. I will always regret letting it happen the first time, but I don't intend to do that again.

Sorry for the vaguery, but I'm just too tired to say more right now.

Rats like bling.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 16:52:47 GMT

Or at least Jace does. In fact, she's rather demanding of it. I have to remember to take my earrings out if they're danglies because she's convinced that they look better dangling from her mouth than my earlobes. You haven't quite lived until you've had a determined ratty grunting in your ear whilst trying to abscond with your bling.

Again, think Scrat.

Let me further explain that BLING constitutes many a trinket to Jace. Some of you have seen these pics before so I'll put them

This is the most obvious bling; my earring.

Jace finding it on the headboard and trying to make off with it:

Baretts count as bling (I think it's a female thang):

Candle wax also constitutes bling. Why is beyond me, but it does. Jo is also a wax thief:

This would definitely count as bling... if she could figure out how to get it back to their cage...

Even hammies count as bling apparently. I'm not sure that Foxy would agree, but once a ratty decides it's bling, they become like British rulers with flags.

Jack 'N' The Box... Bling! Jace posing proudly with her bling:

Of course all this bling hunting wears a little ratty girl out and what better way to refresh one's self than to FLAG Mama's guava juice by sticking your snout in her glass while she's not looking.

I figured if she was that determined for it, I'd just let her and Jo have some:

A little Tylenol (which also doubles as bling while in the wrapper), and she'll be up and around in no time again.

Meanwhile Jo continues her own search for the ultimate bling but, in true girly style, poses for a pic first.

There's nothing quite so validating as the sound of their little feets trampling up the ramp when I walk into the room. They stick their little noses out like "MAMA'S HOOOOOOOME!!!" My ratties love me and I love 'em right back. *sigh*

Harassment

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 00:01:24 GMT

Curious... for those of you on dd.com, have any of you had problems with any of the male posters there being inappropriate (either on the board, via PM or instant messenger)?

High Maintenance Couture

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 18:58:29 GMT

Just so the info is all in one post:

FRONT:

BACK (small logo in white at the nape of the shirt):

Size____Bust______ Waist
S______30"-32"____25"-26"
M______32"-34"____27"-28"
L______36"-38"____29"-30"
XL_____40"-42"____31"-32"

This girly style is intended to be very fitted. I am normally 12/14 in shirts and a 38C-D bra size and an XL is too big for me. One of the reasons we're doing this is to put out cool stuff that's not made just for bean poles.

We're working on the site, but we have email up and running:

HMCouture@hotmail.com

LJers can reply here rather than messing with email (unless we get swamped, lol) *crosses fingers and winks*

If ya want one, just hollah! We are currently sold out of Mediums and XL and we're not even actively advertising yet! We still have small and large. We think we'll be running more since response is very positive! This was a test run to see what folks thought and gauge demand.

They are 20.00 plus 4.00 shipping and we accept Paypal (use the email listed). For folks we know, we'll take personal checks, otherwise we'd prefer money order as a payment option.

A bit manic today.

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:09:22 GMT

It may be the phenomenon known as Simon in a 1978 tshirt combined with JT in leather trousers... or it could just be lack of sleep.

Or it could just be the Thai food I had for lunch.

So... that said...

I think some people should not be allowed to own cameras. I'm not going to expand upon that, I'm just saying. *growl*

We went to see Constantine yesterday and I really really liked it. There's a part in the beginning that came out of nowhere and had Todd and I howling with laughter, although we were the only ones. Everyone else was kinda squirming over it but we ARE fairly sick. Something else that cracked me up... They showed a preview of Kingdom of Heaven and even though I don't know crevette, I swear I kept waiting for her to pop up in the audience and start trying to hump Orlando every time he came on the screen or start speaking in tongues at 300 wpm. I even heard the Mission Impossible theme in my head and glanced up to see if she and her friend were hanging from the ceiling by wired harnesses. Quite the surreal feeling.
I guess this is how some of my friends feel when they hear Duran on the radio or see articles about Simon; wondering when I'm going to pop over their couch, snag their rag and make off with it, leaving a trail of foam and drool in my wake...

I'm so happy for sanhedralyte! Her giddiness is just fun to watch over meeting the guys and of all the places to be, that acoustic set was great. Now someone out there just needs to swindle a bootleg of it and life will be even better! They're doing it in Las Vegas and damnit, JJ and I are gonna crash that party somehow. I just have to figure out how... *rubs chin deviously*

I'm also giddy about all the JoSi love that's been happening suddenly onstage. Whew! They better do that shit in Vegas! I've made up my mind that they've caught on just how much we red blooded women love that and are doing it on purpose. Maybe Patty P mentioned it to John but it's like someone fed those two Red Bull or something.
"Red Bull... It gives ya shwings!"

Wanna see a rodent lose its fucking mind? Give it a roll of toilet paper.

I'm not joking.

I read that suggestion in a magazine and tried it last night. That was an interesting event to witness. By the time I went to bed last night, Mulder had half of his roll demolished and spread haphazardly about his cage. In true feminine style, Mama Bear took a more artistic approach and quaintly arranged fluffy chunks of it about the boudior section of her 15 gallon abode.

Now the rats... Let me put it this way to start; toilet paper is the equivalent of catnip for rodents. I thought the peanut butter frenzy was a fiasco, but this was just as bad. Josephine immediately latched on to the start of the roll and took off toward the bottom of the cage, toilet paper fluttering wildly in her wake. This got Jace hyped up and she bounced over to investigate. She tried checking out the inner part of the roll and got stuck; her back paws flailing frantically to get out. I freed her and she proceeded to hurl herself at the roll as though it were to blame. Soon toilet paper mache was flying through the cage looking something like a scene out of Edward Scissorhands.
Note to self: Do not piss off this rodent.

The two of them got so wound up by this 89 cent roll of toilet paper that they started tussling with one another. The next thing I know, they're in a clutch rolling down the cage ramps like a rodent avalance with tails and paws flailing. I called their names and they froze, looking at me like two drunks caught in a policeman's flashlight. That lasted about two seconds then they were at it again. Then they decided that they wanted the whole roll in the bottom of the cage, but it wouldn't fit through the ramp hole. The two of them tugged, headbutted and grunted for fifteen minutes with this thing and I kept having visions of Scrat from Ice Age. I was about to take the roll out when part of it gave and sent Josephine rolling down the ramp with a hunk of TP clutched in her paws. I ended up taking the roll itself out and just unrolling a big wad of it. They went nuts with that too. Jace would throw it up above her head and run under it then Jo would attack the lump of quivering asswipe and much tussling would ensue. By the time I shut the light off, their cage looked like San Gorgonio Drive every November 1st. I half expected to see them sprawled out in the cage on their backs this morning with ice packs on their heads from their hedonistic Charmin bender.

Sheer Lingerie

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 21:13:27 GMT

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range in price from $250 to $500 in price; the more sheer the fabric, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes it home to his wife. He asks her to go upstairs and put it on so she can model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked and he won't know the difference. I'll return it tomorrow and keep the $500 for myself!"
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
"Good Lord," the husband exclaims. "You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

Strange Cowboys

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was attractive and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about the logistics. So she decided to place and ad in the paper for a ranch hand. Two men applied, one a drunk, the other a gay man.

She thought about her decision and finally went with the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two worked and as a result the ranch flourished. Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done so well that you should go into town and kick up your heels. Have a good time; you deserve it!"

The hand readily agreed and went into town the next Saturday night. One AM came, however, and he didn't return. Finally, he returned at 2:30 am to find the widow sitting by the fireplace waiting for him.

She quietly called him to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she commanded. Trembling, the ranch hand did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"The socks too."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly beside her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now my bra."
Again, he complied with shaking hands and dropped the bra to the floor.
"Now," she ordered, "take off my panties."
He nodded and slowly pulled them down and then off.
The widow looked him directly in the eye, her words clearly implying no tolerance for disobedience.
"Now... if you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Waiver Agreement

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 02:05:57 GMT

Duran Duran VIP/Tour Package

*****NOTICE*******
------------------------

Your terms and conditions have changed!!
Please scroll through the following revised agreement and acknowledge that you have read and will comply by PMing with your ballyhoo:

DUMBDURANIESRUS

***REVISED CONTRACT / WAIVER / SLAVE TRADE AGREEMENT***

You must heretofor agree that you will abide by the following terms:

1. You agree not to seek out the band. Feel free to seek out the concessions counter or your ATM card for swag at the counter. You may also seek out a small loan to BUY your way into the meet and greet, but this is where we draw the line. No, really. We mean it.
Effective 2005: You will no longer be able to BUY your way into unless you are size two with at least a D cup bra. Barbie-like features and the inability to form complete sentences are MUSTS.

2. You agree not to sniff Mr. John Taylor. This also applies to the other members unless Mr. le Bon is in a good mood, in which case you may politely sniff his ass like a bitch in heat.

3. You agree not to make references to sheep or pink nighties around Roger. Sheep NOISES are also not allowed, nor are any other noises of the barnyard vein. Roger will chase you around his hotel room making those noises when and if he feels like it.

4. You agree not to try and peek under Andy's glasses. He doesn't like it and we will not be responsible for facial burns from his cigarette, nor will we pay for back injuries from stooping that low.

5. You agree not to ask Mr. le Bon about his lyrics or interrupt him from his Sierra Club-endorsed bird watching. We will not be held responsible for broken fingers, nor singed hair/body parts.

6. You agree not to attempt to fiddle with Mr. Rhodes' laptop on the sly. No OUCH! or OUCH-like graphics permitted.

6.a. Stabbing Merideth in the eye with her own Manolo is also forbidden.
Jimmy Choos are negotiable if Nick can shoot it and submit it to a gallery of his choosing.

7. You agree not to ask if the three Taylors are related. Any references to brotherhood will result in an immediate labotomy and removal of your tongue.

8. Bring up the last three albums and we'll have to kill you.

9. Bring up Warren and we'll revive you then kill you again. Also, no Rock Rods will be permitted on site.

10. Screaming your profound love for Sterling is strictly forbidden and will result in immediate public stoning.
Steve Ferrone is acceptable so long as you remember to compliment Roger in the same breath, otherwise Simon will hunt you down like the ungrateful infidel that you are and brain you with his maracas.

Agreement caviats:

In addition, you must agree to the following:

11.a. No pinching of body parts is allowed. You may pinch or, preferably, tweak each other in clear view of the members, particularly Mr. le Bon and Mr. John Taylor, but otherwise hands must be kept at your sides at all times.
Playing with ice or dancing suggestively with one another will be deigned as to appropriateness on a case by case basis.

11.b. No measuring or visual comparing of member's members is allowed. No ass shot pictures, no crotch shot pictures, no hand pictures, no feet pictures will be allowed either.
Please make sure you photograph Mr. Rhodes from his left side. Mr. le Bon prefers his right side when he leaves his tooth in his room.

11.c. Disparaging remarks about Juicy Couture will result in death by overpriced velour or tacky furs. Our choice depending entirely upon our shallow, size-8-max mood.

11.d. No snogging of A2 will be tolerated in view of his father. Please keep your aging, old-enough-to-be-his-mother hands off. Buying A2's album is encouraged, but only after you've purchased four copies of Astronaut.

11.e. No bribing of hotel staff for used condoms will be allowed.
Dinner napkins may be negotiated at the concession booth.

11.f. Criticisms of John's hair will result in alternating beatings with a Goody brush and L'Oreal Performing Preference.
Because you're worth it.

11.g. Criticisms directed at Simon's white Armani belt will get you sent directly to Partridge Family hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

12.a. You agree to no comments referencing upsidedown boats, yachts, or other marine craft otherwise you will be forced walk the plank at harmonicapoint.

12.b. Any utterance of "I Do What I Do" will result in swift and absolute flogging with Keanu Reeve's jock strap. Any utterance about Mr. Reeves will get you flogged with Amanda's IUD.

12.c. Mentioning Claire Stansfield will result in Yasmin le Bon's foot up your ass and your head in the toilet.
Pre-flush.

12.d. Mentioning Julie Anne will result in impalement with a turkey baster.

Caviat to Addendum Caviat

13.a. No smartass, talented, creative types will be admitted. We can only tolerate one Simon, thanks.

13.b. No one may make up their own verbatorial uniquities. Nick will find your boss and have you fired.

13.c. Improper usage of the phrases "synthesis" and "metrosexual" will not be tolerated. Failure to conform will result in repeated noggin thumping with one very ugly tennis shoe whilst being glared at from under a quirked brow.

13.d. No intelligent women with flat chests will be allowed. Yasmin says so.

13.e. Flashing permitted only if your bra is not required to hold them up. Roger would prefer not to see cow titties on tour. He has them in his field at home.

13.f. Floozies with big winebagos and minimal clothing will promptly be escorted to the front of the venue. Intelligence/wit frowned upon. Personality in general frowned upon. Dental hygiene a must.
Chewing gum should be discarded during the encore.

Additional Caviat to Addendum Caviat

14.a. Thou shalt not... Oh wait... wrong client...
No one shall chase Nick with his own prosthetic fangs. Chasing him with his own Manolos is also forbidden. Eddie Izzard would be crushed if you scuffed them.

14.b. Chasing Roger around the venue topless screaming "Who's ya MAMA little boy??" is out of the question unless he and Simon agree to it.
Nick will take pictures for a nominally exhorbant fee.

14.c. Simon will be bribed only upon his own time and his own terms.
Don't call him. He'll call you.
If he feels like it.
If you're lucky.
Failure to comply will result in him treating you as though a carrier of the Bubonic Plague. By proxy and out of mate/co-dependency issues, John will also be around to tell you to fvck off.
Four or five times.
While glaring.

14.d. Referring to John as “Super Pissy Boy” is not allowed.
It tends to make him super pissy.
He’ll tell Scrapper on you.

14.e. Referring to Simon as “Charley” or “Scrapper” without his consent is not allowed.
It tends to get his non-existent knickers in a twist.
He’ll tell Super Pissy Boy on you.

14.f. Use of or discussion of staples or staple guns around Simon is completely unnacceptable.
Davey will get jealous and hell hath no fury like a jealous tour manager or roadie.
Or Super Pissy Boy.

14.g. Mention of the names "powerstationrules" or "Adrian Miles" will get you shot, tarred, feathered, and spit upon.
Or spit upon, tarred, feathered, and shot.
We reserved the right to decide at the time of infraction.
Scrapper and Super Pissy Boy will be judge, jury, and executioners.

15. Rehashing the Warren v. Andy topic is strictly forbidden. Asking Andy to sign your import of Big Thing with ten additional remixes of "Drug" will get a Heineken bottle cracked over your head and your shins kicked.

15.a. Asking about Andy's holiday illness and its purported ties to Roger's broken foot will immediately result in Spy Matthews returning from the abyss to stuff his underwear from '84 down your throat.
And yes, he HAS been wearing them since '84.

15.b. Asking about Dom in any way, shape or form will result in Andy's guitar tech beating the shite out of you with a spare headstock.

15.c. Bring up the demos or how you'd rather they were on Astronaut and we reserve the right to hunt down your Kazaa, WinMx, and Limewire logins to hand them over to the RIAA.

15.d. "Bagging" or "dissing" the song Bedroom Toys will result in swift implementation of implanted nightmares involving Simon's Armani belt buckle and dead fish bling being used as buttplugs.

These are your terms and conditions. They changed daily as we see fit. Failure to comply will get your ass nonceremoniously kicked out of the venue, banned from the club and your name generally spit upon.

We will also take our toys and go home.

Signed,
The Duran Mafia

Some Sarah lyrics I love

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 19:24:41 GMT

"Elsewhere"

I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In this space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance
I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out, holding in

I believe this is heaven
to no one else but me
And I'll defend it 'long as
I can be left here to linger
In silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

I know this love is passing by
Passing through like liquid and
I'm drunk in my desire
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way
Your hands reach out and
Hold me near

I believe,
I believe this is heaven
to no one else but me
And I'll defend it 'long as
I can be left here to linger
In silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

The quiet child awaits the day
that she can break free from
The mould that clings like desperation
Mother, can't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is
Right for me
Might not be right for you
But it's right for me

I believe this is heaven
To no one else but me
And I'll defend it 'long as
I can be left here to linger
In silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?
And I would love to linger here
In silence
If I choose to
Will you understand it?
Would you try?

"Do What You Have To Do"

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

"Full of Grace"

the winter here's cold and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we said and did
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

"Steaming"

Your always waiting on the tides
It's time you decide
I've walked down long roads that seem to have no end at all
You never wanted time to end
To let my life offend
It's time to realize what hids deep inside holy eyes
Hold on tight Hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts
If you want me to go just ask me
to go I'd go....

All the way my love over the hills and
Right on to you Run away my love
Over the hills and right on through you
Over the hills and right on through you
Lying awake in these restless dreams
Life's never what it seems
I've always tried to read your eyes
To get inside that scornful mind
Hold on tight Hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts
If you want me to go just ask me
to go I'd go....

All the way my love over the hills
And right on through you- all the
way my love over the hills and right
On through you....

I was with you- that pallet
Steaming spinning round in circles
Dreaming I was with you on that
Pallet steaming running round in
circles screaming....

All the way my love over the hills and
Right on through you

Feels Like Today

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 18:30:46 GMT

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me
that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried,
been carried away, away
But I know something is comin'
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, can save me
My time is comin'
I'll find my way out
of this longest drought

And it feels like today I know
It feel like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessing
And hey, it feels like today
Feels like today

I treat life like a picture
But it's not a moment that's
frozen in time
It's not gonna wait 'til I
make up my mind at all
So while this storm is breakin'
While there's light at the
end of the tunnel
I keep runnin' toward it
Releasing the pressure
that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today I know
It feel like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessing
And hey, it feels like today
Feels like today

~Rascal Flatts

Miracle mouse

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 19:12:54 GMT

January 7, 2004:

January 10, 2004:

I've been reluctant to name this little bundle, but now I know there's just no getting away from it. He's become far too precious far too fast not to honour him with a name. I'm officially dubbing him Têtu le Bon (têtu = stubborn in French), but mostly I've been calling him Baby Bon and Fuzzybean, LOL. The le Bon came about since he's becoming quite demanding and adventurous lately. Of course as he's tooling about, he has all the grace of a drunk moose so le Bon seemed doubly appropriate. *wink*

Why take in another mouse you ask? Simple: Têtu came into my home not as a pet but as food. He was purchased for my snake Attie. I always have them euthanised by the owner of the lizard store I get them from because I can't bear the thought of them with a snake. I know, I'm a tender hearted pansy but that's fine by me. Another reason is that it's better overall to disassociate movement with food where pet snakes are concerned. It's better for them just as much as me. Anyway, I'm veering. Mike, the owner, wasn't in Thursday night when I went in. It was a young kid that didn't know what he was doing. I'll spare you the ugly details, but it apparently wasn't Têtu's time to go.

Soooo, since Thursday, I've been hand feeding this little guy with kitten (KMR) formula with Pedialyte here and there to offset any runny poohs. So far he seems to be doing okay and I'm cautiously optimistic. I've been bringing him to work with me since he eats little portions all day and I have to make sure he stays warm enough. Thank god for coffee cup warmers! They're perfect for warming the bedding around him without becoming TOO hot. It also gives me a quicker way to warm his formula. Thank heavens too for Rembrandt Whitening Tray System. It comes with these oxgen syringes that are the perfect size opening for his little mouth (and paws) to latch onto. It's a tedious thing to feed him, but we're getting down a pretty decent system. Occasionally my thumb will twitch from holding the syringe too long and then we have "Milk Mouth" which Mama has to wipe off his little nose fast or else he freaks and tries to clean it off himself, sending it EVERYWHERE (chest, cheeks, paws).

In the last two days, he's shown signs of being completely imprinted. He gets fussy if I put him down too soon after feeding him. I have to put my fingertips in his little nest so he'll fall completely asleep. He's gotten a little wiser to me because when I put him down, he props his front paws against my fingers to keep me there. I have to slooooooowly ease them out from under him otherwise he wakes back up and wants to climb back into my hand. I also have to rub the kleenex I use to line his little cubby within my palms otherwise he DOES NOT LIKE IT. He'll climb away from it immediately.

This morning we had a new event: Squeaking. Profuse squeaking. He was awake and NOT HAPPY! I opened his little house and put my fingers in there and he stopped. Took them out and he raised hell! Finally I took him out and let him curl up in my hand. He began nuzzling and nipping my palm then squeaked once. Taking the hint, I got up and warmed him a syringe of formula. He attacked it then dozed back off with a full belly. *giggle* As he drifts off, I take my spare eyebrow brush and gently stroke his fur. He'll nuzzle it a few times then he's out like a light.

Sunday's big event was the opening of the eyes for the first time. I never thought I'd be so taken with deep red eyes in all my life! He keeps surprising me so I'm just cherishing every day I have with him. I'm doing everything I can do for him; the rest is up to something bigger than me. I can tell you that my heart just swells every time I have to coddle him to sleep or each time he toddles so trustingly into my palm when it's feeding time. Occasionally I can't get him to settle so I have to just let him nestle down in my lap with a kleenex over him to hide him from coworkers. My direct boss thinks he's adorable and that this is the funniest setup she's ever seen. "Don't let Grossberg see that," she warned with a wink. Last night as I was leaving she rolled down her truck window and paused at my car. "Goodnight Mouse Lady!"

So this is my life for a now; Mama Mouse. Like I said before, I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm just going to give him lots of love and attention and hope for the best. Keep him in your prayers for me please! Even though he's holding his own, there's certainly no such thing as too many prayers. :)